Thursday, 13 July 2017

Big Hero Six

In one day it will be two years since I held your hand whilst we both listened to acoustic piano versions of famous Disney tunes, and I watched you take your final breath.

A couple of weeks earlier this time in 2015, one of your friends came over to watch a film with you.
You were so excited to see her, you'd been so poorly that you hadn't seen any of your friends for ages. It always meant so much to you when they would come and see you. I felt the pain of your alienation from them during the worst times. There was nothing I could do to ease it. I knew you felt everyone was already moving on without you. Gran had been and done a big shop for you- crisps, chocolates, popcorn and sweets.

Unbeknown to your friend though, and known but not spoken by you, Mum asked me to sit in with you both to make sure I was there if you started to fit. You were fitting very regularly then. We had to have medazalam dotted around the house.

In the middle of the film, there is a scene where the eldest brother of the main character dies. You started crying very loudly (as always when something slightly emotional happened in a fictional film- particularly Disney ones!) It was a defining feature of your personality- and even you had learnt to chuckle at it over the years.

When I looked back over to you a few minutes later, you were crying even more, but looking right at me. I didn't know how long you'd be watching me.

At the time I didn't understand.

A few months after we said goodbye though, it clicked.

You knew you'd have to leave me.
Like the brothers in the film, we'd be separated...
We'd be apart.

I didn't realise what you were thinking at the time. I knew it just as much as you, but I didn't see the connection, I didn't fully understand what you were thinking and feeling in that exact moment, watching that film, sat next to me, because I never allowed myself to truly believe it was going to happen.

It was too painful to begin to force myself to consider it.

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